Feng Shui:
                        it's not about design,
it's about pronunciation               

When I set out to find out what this Feng Shui thing was about, I quickly discovered a simple fact: nobody knows anything at all about it.

It's not what you know, it's how you say it.

Some people claim it's something to do with achieving inner peace by tidying your house and moving your ornaments. Or alternatively: improving your life by giving money to consultants (as a consultant myself, this is something I can only approve of). But I believe the real objective is this: achieving inner peace through smugness.

We had all heard about Feng Shui, and were content to pronounce it "fe-ng shoo-ee", but it now becomes clear that if you want to impress with your credentials you must pronounce it "fung sh-way". More energy is expended on correcting the ignorant than on peering at a compass, I'm sure.

I thought I would search the Web for the true story of the pronounciation. After all, in going from Chinese to English, there is plenty of scope for variations. Peking and Beijing are the same city, but more than that: they are the same word, using different rules for English pronunciation of Chinese.

The quest for symbols.

So, all I needed to do was find the Chinese characters, discover how they are pronounced, and I'll be able to hold my head up in company again.

Curiously, this information was not to be found on the web. Many web pages had Chinese characters on them, but none seemed to have the same characters.

I can only conclude they are chosen for decorative purposes. This reminds me of a story I heard about a clothes designer who copied attractive characters from a restaurant menu onto her new dress design; then on wearing her dress for the first time was told she proudly proclaimed "this dish tasty but very cheap".

Cut to the chase.

My tip for success in Feng Shui circles: anticipate the next revision in pronunciation. I am already talking earnestly about "Fig Choo", and I advise you to do the same.

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In attempting to find out about Feng Shui, I came upon this FAQ page. Prepare to be enlightened! Sample question: If I put something in the wrong place will it cause bad luck? Answer: When we undertake the process with sincerity and begin making adjustments to our homes and businesses, we are moving energy, and sometimes we stir up things we don’t like very much. It could not get stirred up if it were not already inside. So why not let it come up, deal with it, and move on?
Sadly a more recent visit showed that this page has removed some of the more challenging questions. I found a new one. This FAQ is illuminating indeed, but makes me wonder whether questions like "the fish in my aquarium died. Has it sacrificed for me? Is my house under the attack of sha chi? Do I continue to replace the dead fish so that another live one will sacrifice for me?" are really frquently asked.

I particularly liked this link, Are WhiteHouse scandals caused by poor Feng Shui?

And here is a page about QIMANCY:The Art and Science of Fengshui. This manages to give a history of the 8000-year old art of Feng Shui, without once mentioning interior decoration. Memorising this will give you almost as much credibility as finding a new pronounciation. Apparently, Feng Shui was originally used to decide which way to point tombs. This page also has some very nice Chinese characters adorning it, though I have no way to know if they are anything other than egg fried rice.
To add to the sense of mystery, this page is hosted on a server which only allows access at the start of the month.

Some people are sceptical! In fact, some people are so sceptical that they have provided the Skeptic's Dictionary which has a useful entry and still more links. As it points out, "We still bring in our priests to sprinkle holy water and utter incantations at the dedications of skyscrapers."